Who You Lovin’, Who You Wanna Be Cuddlin’?
Hello & Happy Monday! Cold season is upon us! Did y’all know it’s 6 weeks until Thanksgiving?!?!? Which means 10 weeks until Christmas?!!? Yowza! Anywho. Cold season is upon us which means people wanna be low key booe’d up, but not together, just warm between the sheets. A cuddle buddy…don’t ya know. This is when people you ain’t heard from in for-eva start sending you the ‘hey how ya doings’ texts, gmail chat or FB beeps, or you might even get a phone call! However, if you don’t want to go backwards, and are in search of someone new to hold on to, my homegirl Christina D. has created an awesome cuddle buddy application that I would like to share with the people! ENJOY!
CUDDLE BUDDY APPLICATION
Job Description: To provide physical closeness during inclement weather (e.g. rainstorms, cool/cold weather, snow storms) on an as needed basis. The Cuddle Buddy (CB) may also provide such service when the Cuddle Buddy Seeker is bored. Such service is rendered WITHOUT the expectation of a relationship (sexual or emotional) or compensation (monetary or otherwise).
Name: Phone number:
Age: Body type (e.g. muscular, thin, overweight):
City/State of residence:
–Please note applicants living more than ____minutes away from INSERT YOUR CITY will not be considered.
Have you ever been a cuddle buddy?
Do you have YOUR OWN place to live (i.e. house, apartment, room you rent)?
Are you married or engaged to be married?
Areyou divorced or legally separated?
You will be required to provide legal documentation of separation or divorce.
Are you currently dating, courting or otherwise emotionally attached to another person?
—Does THAT PERSON know that?
Do you have any ACTIVE warrants for your arrest?
—Is it POSSIBLE that you have warrants for your arrest that you aren’t yet aware of?
Do you snore?
—Have you ever been TOLD you snore?
—Has anyone ever told you that you are a loud/heavy breather (asleep or awake)?
Do you have sleep apnea or any other sleep conditions that would inhibit your ability to fill this position? If yes, please explain.
Do you have any gastrointestinal conditions (including, but not limited to, halitosis, uncontrollable gas, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)) that might impede your ability to act as a cuddle buddy?
Do you have any medical conditions (including STDs/STIs) that require medication to manage/control? If yes, please explain.
Doyou have facial hair?
—What style is it?
How frequently do you groom your facial hair?
How frequently do you shower each week?
What skin products (e.g. soap, cologne, lotion) do you use?
How regularly do you brush your teeth? Floss?
How would OTHERS describe your appearance (neat, rustic, grungy,preppy, etc)?
Do you consider yourself mentally stable?
Do OTHERS describe you as mentally stable?
Do you have any mental health diagnosis that requires medication management?
Chose 3 adjectives to describe yourself. If you do not know what an adjective is, please STOP HERE. Your application will NOT be considered.
Have you ever been described as whiney, clingy, moody, needy, touchy or any other “ee” word not listed?
What was the topic of your last NON SPORTS related conversation?
On a scale of 0-10 (0 = not at all likely; 10 = very, very likely) how likely would you be to slash my tires or commit a similar offense if we had sex and you began to fall in love and whatnot, thus resulting in loss of your position as CB?
***THE FINE PRINT***
By signing below I (herein “the Applicant”) acknowledge that I am willingly applying for the position of Cuddle Buddy (CB) and that the information provided in this application is true and accurate. The Applicant also acknowledges and understands that the CB position is effective from October to April with no guarantee of renewal for subsequent October to April periods. The CB relationship time period can be amended based on mutually agreed upon terms between the Applicant and the Cuddle Buddy Seeker (herein “the CBS”). If selected for interview, the Applicant will provide valid documentation of information including, but not limited to, age, marital status, and proof of residence. The Applicant also understands that the CB position does not guarantee sexual relations. However, should the opportunity for sexual relations present itself, the Applicant will furnish proof of being STD/STI free. Said documentation will be valid for a period of 6 months or less prior to the initiation of sexual relations. The applicant also agrees to utilize method(s) of contraception and STD/STI prevention.
The Applicant also understands that the CB position does not entitle him the rights and privileges typically associated with the title/position of Boyfriend, Fiancé, Husband or a Friend with Benefits. Furthermore the CB position is not exclusive, meaning the Applicant may not be the only person chosen to be a CB. If the Applicant accepts the CB position he discharges the CBS of any responsibilities associated with title/position of Girlfriend, Fiancé, Wife, or Friend with Benefits. Such discharge of responsibilities on the part of the Applicant or the CBS may be renegotiated to terms mutually agreed upon by the Applicant and the CBS. If at any point during the term of the CB arrangement the applicant is unable to fulfill the duties of a Cuddle Buddy, he will be dismissed without prior notice. The Applicant is also at liberty to discontinue his role as CB at any time without prior notice. Should the CB relationship be terminated, both the Applicant and the CBS agree to refrain from making negative, disparaging, childish and/or immature remarks
about, or toward, each other via email, text message, voice mail, social media, or other form of communication (e.g billboards, memoirs, etc).
If chosen as a CB, provision of CB services may be initiated by the Applicant and/or the CBS during the aforementioned, or amended, CB time period via phone call, voice mail or text message. Any amended terms or conditions of the CB position must be attached to this document.
Signature _________________________________ Date____________________
Name (print) ______________________________
I don’t think there’s much else to say except – I love this! I absolutely love this! Even if you don’t ever really pull it out and make someone sign it, you can mentally consider all these categories while you scour the streets for someone to hold you tight at night. In the cold. And the dark. And whom you can shed like dead skin when the flowers start to bloom. What do you think? Do you have cuddle buddy criteria?